Letters to My Mother, Part 1: Why Did You Suffer?
Friday, December 26th, 2025: Letters to My Mother, Stories, Trouble.
You brought so much light, so much joy to our world!
Now that you’re gone, our world is a darker, meaner place
In public, you were sunny, joyful, candid, outspoken
Known and loved for your honesty and directness
Curious to know strangers and learn about your environment
Drawn to outsiders, defender of the helpless
In private, you were thoughtful, critical, empathetic, compassionate
Nature and the arts were your great passions
Yet you suffered terribly at the end
Why?
You changed inside
Became afraid, even terrified
Not of anything in particular
But consumed by fear
At times, and at the end
You became a different person
With a different voice
Agitated, insistent
Shouting, repetitive, mechanical
What was wrong with you?
Science could not describe it
Science had no answers
The most accurate explanation
The most sensible description
Comes from native people
A demon came inside you
Tried to possess you
But why you?
Throughout your long life
You suffered disappointments, loss
Abuse and trauma
Your first marriage ended in divorce
You saw a son gravely injured and disabled
Who became a lifelong responsibility and strain
Later, your closest friend killed herself
You remarried, nursed your husband
Then he turned mean, left you out of his will
You lost your hearing
Lost the freedom to drive
The confidence to walk outside
Grew more and more isolated
You outlived your lifelong best friends
No one left to understand you
Then your demon came
I tried to find help
Your first doctors were arrogant
Their tests and treatments failed
You lost the only home
You’d ever made yourself
I found places to care for you
Where those we paid
Mistreated us both
So again and again
You were moved
Had to adapt to strange places, people
Even moved across the continent
To the mountains of the Southwest
Where you would never see your disabled son again
I tried to help you
Failed in the end
But even as you were losing
You were still giving
And you fought the demon
To the end
Suffered terribly
Why?
I know I should be grateful
For your long life, and what you gave me
I want to celebrate that
But first, I need to understand
This story is just the beginning
Of my struggle to make sense
Next: Your Journey
Thanks for writing this–sorry to learn of your mother’s passing. YOu did what you could to take care of her & ease her last days. I have no answer for why life involves so much suffering, except that that much of our experience happens randomly–out of our control. A ridiculous pile of resources seems to be needed to keep even one human being going–versus the situation for wild animals, surviving by instinct, tooth & claw in fields & forests.
I was a skinny, underfed girl smart enough to attract some needed attention from teachers. Had few social sills, however. A hs social studies teacher & and IBMer took me home at age 15, and I never went back. But I still kept in touch with family after getting a couple degrees and moving eventually out west.
Good to show appreciation for one’s Mom and write lovingly of her while simultaneously bemoaning weaknesses, disappointments, bad treatment from so-called providers. Our system is broken, our society non-caring, and western civ is probably ENDING–according to some writers & thinkers. What’s next?
I keep coming back to the best thing a mother can do for a child–provide LIFE. Kids don’t come with manuals, and no parent is perfect–my mother couldn’t always protect me from my stepdad’s ire. We of every generation have genetic & environmental “material” to work with –also to enhance or discourage us. We have some say, however. We grow up & try to make the best of whatever opportunities & fortune/ misfortunes we encounter! WILL is important.
With my own partner in the ICU right now (steadily improving), that’s all I can come up with right now!