{"id":29788,"date":"2025-12-26T12:54:21","date_gmt":"2025-12-26T19:54:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/?p=29788"},"modified":"2026-01-02T16:38:32","modified_gmt":"2026-01-02T23:38:32","slug":"letters-to-my-mother-part-3-losing-your-struggle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/?p=29788","title":{"rendered":"Letters to My Mother, Part 3: Losing Your Struggle"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

Previous: Your Journey<\/a><\/p>\n

\n

I’m in another world<\/em>, you told me
\nI was dreaming
\n<\/em>I was in my dream world\u2028<\/em><\/p>\n

I was trying to think things out\u2028<\/em>
\nYou weren’t here\u2028<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m just trying to get things straightened out\u2028<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m not here<\/em> (you tapped the quilt)
\nI’m here <\/em>(you tapped your chest)
\n\u2028I wish I could replicate it for you<\/em><\/p>\n

And another time:
\nHow did you get here?\u2028<\/em>
\nWhat took you so long?\u2028<\/em>
\nI’m so scared!\u2028<\/em>
\nThey’re mean to me here!\u2028<\/em>
\nTake me away!\u2028<\/em><\/p>\n

I want to go home!<\/em><\/p>\n

To my home?<\/em> I asked<\/p>\n

Yes!<\/em><\/p>\n

So I cleared a room in my house
\nHospice delivered a bed, commode, supplies
\nI set up a bedroom for you
\nWith easy chair, lamp, TV, pictures<\/p>\n

Modified my bathroom
\nAdded thresholds for your walker in doorways
\nAnd night lights between rooms
\nBuilt a wheelchair ramp for my front entry<\/p>\n

Shopped and filled cupboard and fridge
\nWith your favorite foods
\nYou couldn’t get at assisted living<\/p>\n

\"Building <\/a>
Building a wheelchair ramp for front entry <\/div> <\/div>
\"My <\/a>
My home gym, turned into your room for Thanksgiving <\/div> <\/div> <\/div>
\"Installing <\/a>
Installing night lights between bedroom and bath <\/div> <\/div> <\/div> <\/div> <\/div>\n

Moved you the day before Thanksgiving
\nYou were so weak
\nFor the first time
\nI had to lift your entire body weight into my car<\/p>\n

At home I cooked for you
\nYou were hungry but couldn’t feed yourself
\nI had to feed you, clean up the food you spilled
\nAnd after, for the first time
\nYou could no longer stand or walk<\/p>\n

I had to lift your entire body weight out of bed
\nOn and off the commode<\/p>\n

As there was less and less of your body
\nI became more and more familiar with it
\nBody that had formed me
\nBody I came out of<\/p>\n

You fell asleep in bed in mid-afternoon
\nSlept through till next morning<\/p>\n

Thanksgiving Day<\/p>\n

MOTHER! MOTHER! MOTHER!<\/em> you cried
\nOver and over like a machine
\nEyes staring up
\nSearching eternity<\/p>\n

Sleeping, waking
\nMOTHER! MOTHER! MOTHER!<\/em>
\nChest heaving in your endless cry<\/p>\n

I gave you the anxiety drops
\nWaited twenty minutes
\nA fool, I tried to explain<\/p>\n

Your mother died long ago\u2028<\/em>
\nYou turned to stare at me
\nMother was here!\u2028<\/em>
\nEarlier!\u2028<\/em><\/p>\n

Is Mother gone?<\/em>
\n\u2028Is Mother dead?<\/em><\/p>\n

We never really die<\/em>, I said
\nWe always live in the hearts of those we love\u2028<\/em>
\nNow I was crying<\/p>\n

Do you suppose we’ll learn to swim?<\/em> you said
\nWhere did you learn to swim?<\/em><\/p>\n

And at sundown
\nDADDY! DADDY! DADDY!<\/em> you cried
\nDesperately, like a machine
\nEyes wide
\nSearching eternity<\/p>\n

\"Mother <\/a>
Mother and Daddy at their neighborhood grocery store, 1930s <\/div> <\/div> <\/div> <\/div> <\/div>\n

From then on
\nEvery fifteen minutes or so
\nYou cried for Daddy endlessly
\nUntil you ran out of breath<\/p>\n

I didn’t know what to do
\nIn 73 years of life
\nNothing had prepared me for this<\/p>\n

By mid-evening
\nYour face white as a ghost
\nYour lips raw red from shouting<\/p>\n

I gave you another dose
\nBut you wouldn’t let up
\nCrying for Daddy
\nWith all your heart
\nThe medicine wasn’t helping<\/p>\n

I called hospice
\nGive her the morphine<\/em>, they said
\nI gave you the morphine
\nWaited an hour<\/p>\n

DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!<\/em><\/p>\n

I went to your side, stroked your hot brow
\nTried words of comfort
\nYou looked at me one last time
\nGet in bed with me!<\/em> you pleaded<\/p>\n

So I rolled the bed out from the wall
\nAnd laid down beside you
\nAnd you relaxed at last
\nYou fell asleep<\/p>\n

I was weak
\nI couldn’t take this anymore
\nI called Ernestine<\/p>\n

Now you know what we’ve been putting up with for months<\/em>, she said
\nAnd in the morning, she took you away<\/p>\n

When I arrived at the home a few hours later
\nYou were still yelling, in your room
\n\u2028GRANDFATHER! GRANDFATHER! GRANDFATHER!<\/em><\/p>\n

Grandfather’s farm
\nThat’s where you wanted your ashes spread
\nAnd now, you’re on your way<\/p>\n

\"Grandfather\" <\/a>
Grandfather <\/div> <\/div> <\/div>
\"You <\/a>
You wanted your ashes scattered on Grandfather’s farm <\/div> <\/div> <\/div> <\/div> <\/div>\n

In the midst of your cries
\nAides tried to swab your mouth
\nApply balm to your lips
\nIf they tried to give you water
\nYou clamped your mouth shut<\/p>\n

\u2028GRANDFATHER! GRANDFATHER! GRANDFATHER!<\/em><\/p>\n

Hoping to ease your suffering
\nI asked Ernestine to start you on the morphine
\nShe’ll never wake up again!<\/em> she warned me<\/p>\n

I nodded yes<\/p>\n

Hospice said you had three days at most
\nBut I wasn’t sure when that started
\nYou’d had a bit to eat and drink yesterday morning
\nNothing since then<\/p>\n

At home I prepared
\nTo return and keep a vigil by your side
\nCame back the next day<\/p>\n

You were drowning<\/p>\n

Gasping
\nNeck arching
\nShoulders wrenching
\nFighting a flood rising inside you
\nFluid filling your chest and throat<\/p>\n

They said you were sedated \u2013 another lie
\nYou would not give up
\nTheir comfort an empty promise<\/p>\n

It just got worse and worse
\nSunday I came prepared to spend the night
\nSat and watched you drowning and fighting<\/p>\n

Held your hand
\nStroked your forehead
\nCalled you Sweet Mother<\/em>
\nCalled you my love<\/em><\/p>\n

Aides came two at a time to swab and turn you
\nCheck and attend to sores
\nI stepped back to watch<\/p>\n

These were the aides who cared
\nBut the shift changed
\nA departing aide gave me a long hug<\/p>\n

The hostile and indifferent aides arrived
\nI stayed out of their way<\/p>\n

But they didn’t check you for sores
\nTreated you like an object
\nAnd when they turned you
\nThey hurt your shoulder
\nYou moaned<\/p>\n

I mentioned your crippled shoulder
\nAsked them to be careful
\nThanked them as they left<\/p>\n

Shortly Ernestine called
\nTold me I would have to leave<\/p>\n

My presence was making her staff uncomfortable
\nShe said, \u2028If you wanted to be with her when she died\u2028<\/em>
\nYou should’ve kept her at home<\/em><\/p>\n

And back at home
\nLess than an hour later
\nI got the call<\/p>\n

You had lost your struggle<\/p>\n

Without my hand
\nWithout my voice
\nAlone at the end<\/p>\n

I returned
\nPast the hostile aide at the door
\nPast Ernestine in the dining room<\/p>\n

I sat with you, held your still-warm shoulder
\nThey’d dressed you in someone else’s clothes<\/p>\n

But you were more beautiful than ever
\nYour long-clenched skin finally relaxed
\nSmooth and youthful<\/p>\n

The lines of your bones strong and straight
\nEyelids lowered over the bottomless dark
\nOf eyes I would never see again<\/p>\n

A face I can never forget
\nThat kills me to recall<\/p>\n

I laid myself down over you<\/p>\n

Cheek to cheek
\nHugged your shoulders
\nKissed your cooling flesh<\/p>\n

I spoke to you softly
\nMy voice hoarse from crying
\nSweet mother!\u2028<\/em>
\nBeautiful mother!<\/em>
\nYou’re with me always<\/em><\/p>\n

Where will I go to escape?<\/p>\n

Is that what I want?<\/p>\n

I don’t want to live<\/p>\n

I would’ve stayed there forever
\nKept you warm as you grew cold<\/p>\n

\n
<\/blockquote>\n

And as you left me<\/p>\n

You led me into your sacred space<\/p>\n

A space that only happens
\nOnce in a lifetime<\/p>\n

To show me
\nThe Greatest Mystery<\/p>\n

Light and darkness
\nFlesh and bone
\nWarmth and chill<\/p>\n

The pain was gone
\nAnd all that was left
\nYour stunning beauty<\/p>\n

Everlasting, in my hands
\nIn my eyes
\nIn my mind<\/p>\n

Beyond life<\/p>\n

Beyond death<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

Next: I Tried to Help<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Previous: Your Journey I’m in another world, you told me I was dreaming I was in my dream world\u2028 I was trying to think things out\u2028 You weren’t here\u2028 I’m just trying to get things straightened out\u2028 I’m not here (you tapped the quilt) I’m here (you tapped your chest) \u2028I wish I could replicate […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[167,9,94],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-29788","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-our-journey-to-the-end","category-stories","category-trouble"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29788","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=29788"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29788\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":29981,"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29788\/revisions\/29981"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=29788"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=29788"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/maxcarmichael.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=29788"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}